Found on My Phone

Text messages from this summer. I was writing to one of my favorite-est people ever–a wonderful, hilarious woman who was my colleague back in the day. When I was part of the working class. Pushing health insurance for The Man.

I share this as a reminder that these trips back to the USA are not vacations. The good news is that they can be rife with blog material.

Me: You’ll love this. At MIL’s. TV on, as always. Never mind we are only here 5 nights. Tonight’s special feature: the RAPE episode from All in the Family. With the Closed Captioning on just in case the kids miss the details.

Me: The Spouse says, “Mom, the kids are here.” She replies, “You can go out on the porch.”

Me: Best of all? It’s a two-parter.

Me: I got out. I went to the liquor store. Under the guise of putting gas in the car.

My Buddy: I am howling!! You can’t make this shit up. What about Walker, Texas Ranger?

Me: Not tonight. But we DID have the show about the lady who survived being struck by lightning.

My Buddy: Do they sell Skinny Girl Margaritas in Hometown, Ohio? I might have to put this in my novel, you know.

Me: Last year it was a Very Special INCEST episode of Little House on the Prairie. I didn’t even know they HAD an incest episode until I sat through it.

Me: I bought vodka and mixer and wine at the Rite Aid. Because the CVS here is the only CVS in all of America that doesn’t sell booze.

Me: Had to buy a cork screw. We clawed THAT package open with our teeth.

My Buddy: Pa gets it on with Laura??? I am laughing out loud by myself.

Me: It was a neighbor. A one-episode appearance for THAT character. Just like the No Name characters who get killed off on Star Trek.

My Buddy: Maybe you can get them Tivo for Christmas next year so they won’t miss anything.

My Buddy: How’s the weather out on the porch anyhow?

Me: No porch this year for me. We’re staying at the No Tell Motel. Which claims to have WiFi but doesn’t. Or ice.

Me: At least MIL’s WiFi is working. Kids were distracted by their iPods so did not focus on Edith running around the house and screaming.

My Buddy: AAAAArchie!!!!

Me: It was SOOO uncomfortable. Made worse by the fact the rape took place on Edith’s 50th birthday. I’m now the same age as Edith.

I’m so glad to be home.

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  1. Katie says:

    Vacations to MIL were never vacations either, except I was the one watching tv or reading in the living room, or taking the kids somewhere, when grandpa was drinking out on the front porch. Grandma only wanted to talk to Mr. Bankerchick. She used to tell the kids that they got to see him every day (effectively, go away) She never understood why her grandkids didn’t come to see her after they grew up. Glad your back to blogging!

  2. Tina says:

    OMG! She sees you all less than a week a year and she watches 1970′s reruns! And a rape one and last year an incest one on Little House. Can’t believe that Little House had that as it was a show primarily for kids.

    No one could make up this stuff.

  3. Anita says:

    Thank you for making the trip to my inlaws seem nearly tolerable! At least my FIL provides the drink to help us get through the experience with the MIL.

    Did I mention they are coming to Lux?! For 10 whole days?!

    Luxembourg may run out of wine.

    What stations does she watch to find these treasures? I didn’t know anyone was still broadcasting All in the Family regularly these days.

  4. The Expatresse says:

    Nick at Night, I think.

    I was really horrified last year when I realized where the Little House plot was going. I hadn’t seen the show since it was first broadcast, and I only saw a few of the first episodes (that were still true to the books). Once they ran out of material and started creating new story lines, we got “A Very Special LHOTP” plots like the incest one.

  5. kate says:

    Did you forget I am now less than two hours south of your ancestral home? We were waiting on our porch for you. It’s lovely.

    And we don’t have a tv.

    Next year!

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